We are programmed to always think of the worst, to complicate things, to feel fear, anxiety, anger. We don't know how to communicate, neither do others. We carry painful fragments forever imprinted within us, upon which we build our structure, our behaviors, our beliefs. We live in a completely sick society that hasn't been human-scaled for decades. We are distant, distrustful, addicted in every form and measure. It's a perpetual struggle to stay afloat, to try to remain stable, at least stable.
I am among the fortunate people; in some aspects, I am among the most fortunate people I know. Nevertheless, I suffer, I obsess, I fear, I have no goal, I feel alone, an island among other islands.
I've set myself the objective of finding serenity by the age of 40, finding at least a key to open that door. Impossible mission. I commit myself and learn every day, but every day there are new things to manage, new feelings, new thoughts.
It's difficult to live. I've been through mindfulness, therapy, Vipassana. I've had the courage to make difficult choices. Relocations, children, marriages and then divorces, confused relationships, businesses. I've learned through experience that everything passes — pain, thoughts, emotions. I discovered that "being present" during difficult times leads to eventual relief; you gain insights and grow from the experience. Yet I am still often blocked, negative, obsessive; I don't see the light, the purpose, the meaning.
I know I'm not alone. Yet nobody talks openly about this sense of perpetual emptiness. It's the last true taboo of this society, where everything is permitted except sadness. And so we only intensify that sense of loneliness, of being wrong. Everything must be entertaining, everything must be positive. The rest must not exist, or at least you keep it to yourself.
I don't want to give up. I believe I can get there. I'm still a million miles away from the goal, but I believe, and I want to do something to get there, and if possible share this struggle and the results.
I believe. I have learned so much, so very much. I will continue to do so. It is very important.
