I have no idea when I started being so hard on myself. I think it has always been part of me. I lived my childhood feeling loved, but the message I somehow internalized was: “they love you, if.”
I never had a rebellious phase. Just today I realized that I spent my entire elementary school years without seeing any classmates outside of school, as my mother took me to the school where she worked on the opposite side of the city. I never voiced my feelings of exclusion, seeing it as unavoidable. Being good has always been part of me, since I have memories. You keep your frustrations to yourself, that is being good. Doing what is your job/task, whether you like it or not, that's being good.
My inner voice is now made up of continuous self-judgment and criticism, of inadequacy and inferiority, and of insensitivity to personal pleasure/taste as an element of choice in my actions. My mind is full of “should”s: I should be, I should have done, I should have said. There is no escape. Being just me, without worries or fears, is out of the question unless I am in an extremely intimate environment.
I constantly behave according to what should be for the context, the situation, rather than how I feel. I don't wish to intrude, and I constantly feel as though I might be; if something is wrong, if I feel uncomfortable, then 1) it's my fault, and 2) it's a problem to be solved without bothering anyone. If someone criticizes me — which, being good, happens very rarely — the reason is automatically on the other side.
At work, it is different; everything has always been different there. There I am sure, comfortable with my choices, and proud to make them without the fear of being unpopular. I know my worth. Thank heaven I can personally experience the difference, to understand what I am missing on a personal level.
Living this way is so tiring, as well as disconnecting from the outside world. Improving this aspect of myself is the goal for this year. It will not be easy, but I don’t think there is anything more important at the moment.
